Motherhood // Personal

From 2018 to 2020, what a wild ride. Life has these ebbs and flows that feel sometimes like you’re getting smacked in the face by a giant wave or dancing inside a rainbow. It’s intense.

But as we are reminded that joy comes in the morning, our days can also hold sadness and dark moments.

October 1 2018 we lost our first baby to miscarriage. October 12 - November 28 2018 our family walked my Grandma Lucy home to Jesus. A month later, we found out River was on his way just after Christmas.

We had no idea who was going to be born 9 months later, we chose to leave every detail about you a surprise. The moment your Dada said “it’s a boy” in the delivery room remains one of the best surprises of my life. We had no idea who you would look like or act like ... I don’t recall ever hearing the word PANDEMIC and I certainly didn’t foresee having to wear a mask every time I stepped outside our home.

I always dreamed that someday I’d be a Mama but I never could have imagined it being so many opposite things all at the same time. Exhausting sleepless nights, invigorating hearing this child learn to laugh & giggle. Constant Mama & River daytime pandemic times, missing you the second we say goodnight.

Parenthood is a constant wishing your child would reach the next milestone, wanting that little one to never grow past the current stage. Seeing the world brand new through your eyes while living in such a time as 2020 has been — the absolute gift that we always dreamed of that arrived at the most perfect time.

I worried about postpartum depression but had no idea what a ride it would be and still is today. I spent much of 2020 trying to learn who this sweet boy was. And consequently, learned who I wanted to be. As a mama, as a wife and as a person.

I thought we would celebrate milestones with family & friends, there would be endless hugs and treats from bakeries on Lake Street. But now? Our city has been boarded up, on fire and our family is realizing what it looks like to be mixed race in 2020. I didn’t know what the future held and today it feels even more uncertain.

But one thing is for sure: we have each other. I will fight for our family with every ounce of strength I have. I will fight for those whose voices have been silenced and I promise to do better.

I want to be someone who is inclusive and inviting - that shows up to be the same person on the outside as I am on the inside.

I want to be someone who’s first inclination is toward understanding, peace and love. Who aims to hear others as loud as I hear myself.

I want to show our son a world that will love you no matter who you turn out to be. I want that to start in our home and spread into our community and into our world.

All the things I tell this sweet boy every day - that he is loved, strong, curious, brave, funny, heard and joyful? I want to tell those things to myself every day.

I don’t quite know what this space will turn out to be or what kind of ‘content’ you’ll see but one thing has and always will be true: it will be intentional, authentic, inclusive and hopefully point you towards what is just and right.

Hugs to our dear friend, Bernadette Fox, for the maternity photograph used in this blog. You are the best! <3